So I just stubbed my toe and I started crying uncontrollably. Weeping on the floor. Lying face-up, screeching. Blubbering and awaiting death. It might appear that this was an overreaction, but here are some other things about my life.
First of all, my toe is bleeding and it really hurts. Who in the world has ever stubbed their toe so hard that it bled?
Also, last week I jammed my finger in a drawer I was closing at work. It bled. Again, how?
The next day I chopped another finger on a mandolin while I was slicing potatoes. It bled. So much. I went to Urgent Care.
On Thursday I burned another finger while I was making dinner. It...did not bleed. But it hurt.
The point is, I am living my life without the use of virtually any of my digits. I cannot enjoy any of the evolutionary benefits of being an adult homo sapien.
I bought a first-aid kit when I got married nine months ago. All that is left is a cold compress and the weird-sized band-aids. My life is a shambles.
On the bright side, I decided drinking diet soda is not detrimental to my health, thank you very much, after reading this. So at least I have Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm just going to sit here drinking zero calorie caffeinated beverages until all of my extremities are rendered useless and I can accomplish nothing significant with my life, since I am a limbless cripple.
P.S. Does anybody else live in constant fear that when you get a drink at a drive-thru, the employees decide they want to sabotage you and secretly give you FULL-CALORIE regular soda pop instead of diet? #whitegirlproblems
2 comments:
I hope you heal quickly. Your injuries sound very painful!
but really this is my favorite post you've ever done. i just keep reading it over and over.
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